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Words And Their Meanings

A little English boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'  

The father answers,

'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  

Your Mom and I first got together in a Chat Room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a Cyber-cafe. 

We sneaked into a secluded room and Googled each other.  

There your mother agreed to a Download from my Hard Drive.  

Soon I was ready to Upload, then we discovered that neither one of us had bothered to use a Firewall, and since it was too late to hit the Delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:  

yougotmale.gif
You got male!

goldenage.jpg
Some people never forget what they learned, even way into their golden years.

Stretching the Law to the Letters

Woodpecker's Words

 

Some Philosophical Lines-  

Don’t let someone become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in his or her life.  Relationships work best when they are balanced.

 

Never explain yourself to anyone.  Because the person who likes you doesn’t need it, and the person who dislikes you won’t believe it

 

When we wake up in the morning, we have two simple choices. Go back to sleep and dream, or wake up and chase those dreams.  The choice is yours.

 

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water (in it) twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.  Enjoy every moment of life.

Do not forget to live. Start from now!

From Pravsworld.com<ꃜᗮ>


Why Can't I Own A Canadian? An Open Letter to Dr. Laura Schlesinger by Professor Kauffman.

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus
18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US Professor, and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev.
21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
PS
(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian) 

Have A Heart

A death-roll inmate in Texas while being escorted to his execution chamber became aware that his pressure medication refill he was waiting for before then Governor Bush refused him a stay execution has arrived. He informed the correction officer that since his medication had arrived he should be given the opportunity to take it to calm himself down. The correction officer spoke to the chief warden about this. The warden decided that since they are running out of time, they should convey the matter to the Governor. So they called Bush. Governor Bush said to them "Come on guys, have a heart. Give the guy the opportunity to take his pressure medication before his execution. You know, I am a compassionate conservative."

 What Confucius Did Not Say Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car getsexhausted.Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. Finally CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY. . .LAST, BUT NOT LEAST:“A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!” 

Senior Citizens' Annual Test

IRISH LUCK

How Hell Works: Arrival Instructions

An Ode Of English Plurals

The Gender Of Things

Family Problems   

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar taking shot after shot. 
  
The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.' 
  
The American said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. 
  
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. 
  
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife’s my grandmother. 
  
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson; a
nd you say you have family problems? 
  
The Indian fainted.

 

 
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists 

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
 
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
 Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery 

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow 
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..
 Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control 
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium 
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
 
A. When you are sick at the airport.                  
(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant) 

 Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head
 

A Mouse Trap in the House

Why This Student Did Not Score 100 for These Answers?
 
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? Answer:  His last battle


Q2. Where was the Declaration of
Independence signed?
Answer:  At the bottom of the page

Q3. River
Ravi
flows in which state?
Answer: Liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
Answer: Marriage


Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
Answer: Exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
Answer:  Lunch & Dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
Answer: The other half


Q8. If you throw a red stone into a blue sea what will it become?
Answer: wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
Answer: No problem, he sleeps at nights.


Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Answer: You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.


 

 

 

Meanings of Words that Women Use Often:

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they
are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how
a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE
MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's
an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You
will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"
when she cools off.

LOUD
SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT
SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that
she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay
content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and
hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction
with a "Raised Eyebrow."

__________________
  

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